Cá cược
I named this note, that Saved FB/ IG folder, and many others — Cá Cược, cuz I did seriously thought that I can bet my feeling on you... but now I think I have to now come to terms with my defeat...
You know I’m a creative, quick to love, quick to unlove. But I'm also good at suppressing my feeling, like there's a switch that I can turn off so I can focus on one single thing at a time. So I think I have to write this now, before I suppress my emotions again, and forgot how sad I am at this moment.... say... tomorrow morning. But yeah, I genuinely likes you so. So much that hearing you share sth personal with me these days, is the best feeling ever, and receiving your book is up there with idk, receiving the light saber from my former boss at Gut. And I just wish you like me that much in return…
But I think you don’t. That Saturday, and that Tuesday when we met, gosh, I wish you weren’t as distanced as you acted that day… Why did you even accept to meet me, after that entire declaration that you don’t want nothing more than a simple friendship. Sure that might work. But I don’t think I’m that mature Linh… I tried… the plan is to ask you out on a trip together someday, then tell you my feeling. The thing I wish I tell you that night already. But now it’s day 33 on that Locket app with only you and Sandy on it (and Sandy doesn’t even use it anymore), I don’t think I can thích đơn phương you any longer… So I have to stop lying to myself and move on, i think…
Idk… let's do a quick blame my parents time, cuz I know they're rộng lượng and they would allow me too... My dad checking my mom out for 4 years… 4 fcking years… and I still remember the first time my mom told me that she liked him beacuse she felt bad for him… thấy tội cho ổng she said. And now sometimes she questioned herself if her life could be better if she has agreed to men much better than dad. Those who are much wealthy, those who has more confident, those who more rộng lượng and care about her family side more, those who k gia trưởng… Writing this, I think that’s inherent the characteristics I wanted to get… But I’m not there… so that’s maybe why you don’t like me… idk... this relationship shjt is much harder for me to rationalize…
But I don’t know… I never had that confrontational chat with dad, but I know he’s try his god dam hardest. And that fcking patience and trust he has for the thing he wanted to do, I think he did project that on me Kiên, for kiên nhẫn. This fcking guy man… But ya, at least I think he’s not so bad, at least comparing to his brothers and other dad figures outthere… no smoke, no xỉn, no bê tha, chăm chỉ làm ăn and sacrifice everything for me and my sister to study college abroad and to have a better life till 60. Which is in 3 more years… so he can start hưởng thụ cuộc sống he said… But fck man, I just realize he always sang that fcking “Em ơi có bao nhiêu, 60 năm cuộc đời song” at many of our weddings. I’m pouring my eyes out again, hope he get to live longer…
So like dad, I think I can tự dối lòng mình và cố gắng tiếp… but in case once you fall for me… idk if you would be happier than mom… I know you deserve the best and the world. I mean look at you… you’re everything a guy like me can dream of. But I guess me right now, with this much time, care, resources, and “potential” is all I can offer… idk, please, don’t feel bad for me. I think I deserve better, and you too. And this is the self-respect lesson that I’m now learning. A valuable one.
You know I have to fckin stop myself from compliment your latest story, watch Sunshine of the spotless minds (the movie that I promised to myself to watch but never got a chance), learn one or two things, then write this. Fck man, life’s great and suck at the same time. I truly blessed to know you, I still remember how proud am I to send your vid doing the card flicker trick to my friend telling him I’ve found my wife. And he texted back saying he has just found his too (1st date, through Bumble). They broke up now…
Idk until when I’ll find another great match like you tbh… but hey, hope we both find ‘em soon in the future!
Sincerely yours,
Kien